stoop

So my friend dragged me to her college group tonight and I was really cynical because the topic was sex. I hate the church sex discussions because they are always the same. The people go up there and give everyone advice on waiting, saying that "it is worth it." It all just seems so fake, its like anyone has to hide if they have ever actually struggled with anything. But people were really real tonight, and a lot of stuff came up that impressed me.

Anyways, this one I actually liked, and it was more of a discussion. This guy mentioned the verses in I think its 1 Corinthians about the body being a temple. He said that maybe that is not just your body in the individual sense, but also the communal Body of Christ. So being pure benefits the entire Body, just as being sinful hinders the Body. I liked that a lot, it makes it that much better if you stay pure, not just for yourself, but for the larger community of believers.

At UPC today, Earl spoke about the different meanings of the word bless. When it is people blessing God, the Greek word also means bow, and when it is God blessing us, the greek means stoop. I liked that difference. It puts the importance and "Godnesss" of God in perpective. It has been a good day today.

And Backstreet Boys is playing on repeat in the bathroom. Sometimes that just works with your mood, and right now is one of those times.

questions

So, my grades were not that great from last quarter. I hate that. As soon as I decide I want to do and understand that it takes perfect grades, my grades become the worst they have ever been. It is like some sort of twisted "trust in God" test where I have to look really bad and totally surrender that area to God and trust that stuff will happen anyway, regardless of my poor performance.
I was reading this book this morning and it said "if you are trying to serve God in your poor weak way, quit it; your duty is to serve God in his strong triumphant way." I liked that. It gives me permission to be really excellent at whatever I do because He is really excellent. There is nothing wrong with that.
Are you ever intimidated by the life path you have chosen for yourself? I have never been more confident that my passions and interests are from God and exactly what I am supposed to be doing, yet part of me is intimidated and the whole grade thing makes me question whether I will make the cut. And then where would I be? Confident of what I though God was calling me to, yet unable to get there because i am limited by my own ignorance or fear or simple inability to succeed on that level? That is scary. I have to trust that God knows what he is doing and is not some twisted higher being that gives me these dreams only to dangle them in front of my face, forever just inches out of my reach.
I wont let that happen.

love

Im done! With this quarter at least. It is so strange, I need a couple days to detox or something. I have been pushing and pushing for so long and now I have two days in a row with nothing planned and nothing to do. I dont know what to do with my self already and it has only been 10 hours. It is sad that I have let myself be busy enough to get to this point where I dont even know how to handle having nothing on my schedule.

My friend brought me a donut today. I love donuts. People dont bring me things often, and it totally made my day. People talk a lot about love languages and I love trying to figure out what people's are. I know mine is service, but no one ever thinks it is. I always want to love people through serving because that is the most natural for me and the way I show love. I have learned this year to see what other peoples needs are, then meet them in that way. i am not touchy-feely at all, but some of my friends really appreciate that so I hug them even if I dont feel like it. Just like how I am not a verbal processor. That has been difficult because people always want me to talk things out. I am amazed still by people who just sit and spill everything to me. They are thinking through it as they talk, that is totally foreign to me. By the time it comes out of my mouth, I have already processed it. Just goes to show you how communicating with people can be so difficult if you dont take time to see where they are coming from.

Basically the point of this is to remind myself that my way is not better and I need to love people how I want to be loved, but in their version. Does that makes sense? It does in my head. Like I want to be served and listened to, but in a different way then other people. I want to be able to see that about other people, and be the person who understands how they want to be loved and treats them that way. The bible was on to something when it said treat others the way you want to be treated...but its harder then it sounds. At least for me.

good

Do you ever have those days where everything is just working perfectly? I found $10 in my jeans this morning (which never happens), then I was super productive and wrote a paper and aced two finals. And lunch was awesome in Gwinn, and I ran into peope I wanted to see and its oly 3 pm...you get the picture. You just feel like you are on the top of the world.

Huge change from yesterday. I read in Psalm 51 where David says basically, "God if you open my mouth I wil praise you." That is how I felt, kind of like, really God? This day sucks and I dont feel like praising you and things are hard so you will have to open my mouth. Pretty arrogant if you think about it. Those are the moments where the coolest things happen with God in my life. When I am really pissed or really broken and really honest, God does something cool. Its like that old song "We are listening for whispers, but we cannot hear the screams. The sun is blinding us and still we look for matches."

I usually have to get smacked over the head by a metaphorical two by four when I am happy in order to see God's goodness because I always think I got myself there on my own power. Yet, when I am sad or hurting, God is so visible all the time. I need to be more intentional at pursuing God on days like today because they dont last and God is faithful all the time. And he is the one that controls everything, good days and bad. Why is that so hard to remember?

worship

I have a hard time with worship. It is so meaningful to so many people, but I dont really like it. Why do we have to stand and sing about how much we love someone? Why do we sing the same words over and over? And why is it so easy to fake? Are our hearts really in it all the time? Sometimes I think about how many people (at least me) often stand there with their eyes closed thinking about something entirely different then the words they are singing. Sometimes though, you catch a glimpse of someone actually experiencing something deeper.

In early september I was with a bunch of people on a staff and I have this distinct image of this guy. We were singing this song and the words included "Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me; have mercy on me a sinner." It was this sort of slow eerie guitar melody. And we were singing it over and over. I remember sitting there listening then looking over and seeing him. It was beautiful. He had this look of pain on his face and his hands were clasped on his head, it was obvious he wasnt really in the room. Why do those moments only come some time? How do I live like that all the time? I never experience that when I "worship"

In Africa last summer, everything seemed clearer. I dont know if this makes sense, but I tasted God's presence. I felt like the way that guy was probably feeling pretty much all the time. Being in a place of such brokenness, it was so much easier to see beauty. I want to see the world I am living in here through that kind of lense. And I think God deserves my worship whether or not I feel like it. I dont know what exactly that will look like for me, but I do know it is way more then just singing.

changes

I had a really bad meeting this afternoon with a friend. It is one of those relationships that used to be intense but just isnt anymore. I am pretty sure it is just not what either of us needs but we are just too chicken to say it. It was rough, and i dont think she wanted to be there any more then I did. Why does that happen? Friends who were so close just drift away. It doesnt make what we had before as friends any less, but it is just weird now. Yet, I dont feel like I have the energy to care or do anything about it. I think its ok, we both have other people to talk to.

Why do things not work out for people you love? I have close people in my life who have been fighting for things for twenty years to still have minimal results. I want to yell and rage at the church for being silent and not doing anything. i just have to remember that my God (the God that cares about the marginalized) is not in the church, he is in people. It is not much of a comfort, but it is a small one.

I am ready to be done with school for a while. I realize more and more as I study for finals that I have made other things more important this quarter. I can see the kind of student I could be if I didnt place such a high prioirty on relationships, and its kind of annoying. I can look really good on paper, but when it comes to investing in people I often have little to show for it except a lowered GPA. Oh well, I guess that is not why I do it. Its going to be a long couple days. I hope I can make it to Saturday. It is looking grim from this end

listening

Why does certain music just really make you happy when you listen to it? It is so powerful that it can do that to you. I am listening to John Mayer live right now and it is making me happy. Especially in light of everything I have going in my life. Its like music is a breath in between the chaos of life.
You know you meet with too many people when people become appointments. I have many people pulling on me from lots of different directions, and it gets really tiring. They all seem to want something from me and I don't feel like I have anything to offer them. I often figure out what people want and say the right things so they feel encouraged, but that is only the shell of me. I know exactly what to say so it sounds like I am being vulnerable even if I am not. It is like a twisted art form or something. I hate it, and I am geting better and cutting back so I dont get to that point as often. I see why people in ministry can get lonely really easily. Sometimes I can be surrounded by incredible people whom i love and who love me and I still feel like I am all by myself.
Just some scattered thoughts for the morning for you.

Muse

I went to this cool coffee shop today. For the second time. I went yesterday too, and got free coffee. Its called Muse. It is really cool and has a bright yellow chair that I like and this amazing lamp in the bathroom that the owner has named "Mr. P" (I will not go into detail about why). I want to steal it and put it in my room. Going in there inspires me go to go flea markets and find really cool things that look expensive. Or maybe I will just make a lot of money and buy the expensive versions like this coffee shop has done. Heather came with me and we studied all day. Con Law is the hardest class ever, but it is my favorite. I am not looking forward to that final this week.
I gave up sugar four days ago because I have heard that four days is how long it takes you to break a sugar addiction. I think it worked, I havent craved it all day today. but then my friend came and took me to Lys, my favorite donut place. Good old Mr Ly. I will have to devote a whole blog to him later.
It is a beautiful night tonight, I love the view from my window. All the shades of purples in the sky, and the lights of the city seeming to battle for the attention of admirers with the clouds. It has been a good day, except I feel sick from my sudden sugar binge. Garden State is playing the background and I am sitting at my desk reflecting. It feels good.

boxes

So, a wise man I know told me a while back that his greatest fear in life is being stereotypical. I think that is mine too. I hate when people think they have me or anyone else figured out after only a few interactions. Really? At least give people the benefit of the doubt that they are more complicated then that, otherwise everyone is just really boring which would be lame. Today someone told me I seem really simple. He meant it as a compliment, but it is sort of like being put in a box, and he has checked it "already figured out."
I think I do that with God a lot. I know the basics (have heard them a million times actually) so I just assume I already know whatever it is people are going to tell me, or feel pride that I have already heard and understand what they are saying. My view of God is not big enough if he fits into my box that I have created for him.
So how do you expand a view you have of God? I have seen him do crazy things in peoples lives, yet I still doubt he can really do stuff in my own (even though he has). I have heard all the cliche church answers, but I want something real. And I know my God can handle my questions. I like that, its like I glimpse what he is really like, outside of church and western stereotypes and my own blinders. Seeing the real thing, I am pretty sure you will always walk away changed even if it only happens once in your life. Is that enough? What if it never happens but you know it can? Is that what faith is? Hearing cool things that God has done for other people and trusting? I mean, I know he has done cool things for me, but do I just not notice them enough? Hmm....

This is weird. Having a blog and all. I feel like I am one of "those people" now. So, basically I think a lot about a lot of things, and I thought that maybe it was time to start writing them down. Recently, I was at a thing with a bunch of people way smarter and cooler then me, and the only reason I was there was because I could pull the "Im a student" card. This one guy said that he is often wrong but seldom in doubt. I really liked that. I think that is how I am. That is a good way to be right? At least I am not self conscious. It has taken me a long time to get that much.
I am really happy with my life right now. Lots of cool things are happening. And I am happy that no one knows I am writing this. its kind of for the world to see, but not at the same time. So if you are reading this, kudos for finding it. Get a life.

By Donald MIller

"I once listened to an old Indian guide on television say that God was in the wind and the water, and I wondered at how beautiful that was because it meant you could swim in him or have him brush your face in a breeze. I am early in my story, but I believe I will stretch out into eternity, and in heaven I will look back on these early days when it seemed God was down a dirt road, walking toward me. Years ago he was a swinging speck in the distance; now he is close enough I can hear his singing. Soon I will see the lines on his face."