truth

"Truth strikes us from behind, and in the dark."
Henry David Thoreau

That seems true for me here. I think I know what I am doing walking forward, and the brokenness, the despair of God's beloved taps me on the shoulder and says "look at me. Im here. Be with me in this." I have discovered God in a whole new way: through darkness.

"Those who believe that they believe in God, but without any passion in their heart, any anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God-idea, not in God."
Miguel De Unamuno

Finding God in darkness, wrestling with Ultimate Truth in the midst of unimaginable evil, that is real. Being angry, feeling anguish, burning with passion for justice in the midst of incredible doubt, that is belief God understands. Apathy, deliberate ignorance, exclusion motivated by "faith", those are belief in the God-idea. God is not in that.

Thats what I think.

introvert

I have been an introvert this weekend. Definitely much more exhausting then being an extrovert. I dont know how people do it. Good to experience once in a while though.

Went to a gathering of important people on Friday night. I was a mess. All the walls are down for feeling things about people. This place has changed me. For the better. I can no longer hear a story and forget it, or not think about the people involved. I think its because the people telling the stories of injustice, or rescue and triumph, were actually there, and part of the solution. They know the people, and they are a part of their lives. I sit among some of the most brilliant minds in the business, and watch them become moved to tears by the stories of casework they were a part of. Not tears of triumph, or pride in their own abilities, but tears of overwhelming gratitude to God for doing everything. Complete humility. I said I wanted to be a sponge, well I am definitely soaking it up. These people have rocked my world. And for someone who thought she already knew it, that is quite a feat. I dont want to leave. There is comfort in being a part of the huge amount of action and good that this place churns out every day. Going off to what was before familiar and comfortable suddenly seems a difficult challenge that I do not want to face.

There is one thing I wish would have ended different. but I am going to be an introvert and leave it at that.

Goodnight.

humbled

Intimidating to be back after a very long hiatus. What do you say after spending two months on another continent living in poverty, then moving to a different coast and starting over with new people.

I am not as cool as I once thought I was. I have, somewhat unintentionally, currently surrounded myself by the smartest and most well-travelled people I have ever encountered. I feel very small and put in my place. Its hard because that is not the way it usually goes for me. I feel like I am shaping a whole new outlook on things, and learning what it is like to actively practice humility. I said that was what I wanted, but its hard. How do you know when a process like that has completed its course? Does it ever end (or get less painful)?

Relationships are different here as well. Different then ever before. People ask me different questions, treat me in a different way, and expect different answers. That is the best I can explain it, you will have to ask me in person. This is a pointless entry to everyone but me, and Im ok with that. At least Im back online again.

ending

Things that made me happy in the last two days:
-free oreo milkshakes
-fashion shows
-my girls' laughter
-playing baseball in the hallway
-akwardly falling down hills
-filming movies appreciating people you like
-my yellow car
-old Steven Curtis Chapman cd's
-changing my opinion
-intitiating new people for leadership positions
-finishing important applications
-cards that sing
-Mr Ly
-coming to the end of something and feeling satisfied

Era

The "era" of my life that has been the past year is coming to an end. In two weeks, everything will be different and I will say goodbye to people that I will not see for six months. That seems like ages as a college student. I am sending in my app for the internship tomorrow, taking the LSAT in a little more then two weeks, and going to Africa in less then four. We passed down all our traditions to the new RAs tonight. It feels good to be satisified at the end of a time in your life where you feel that you worked extremely hard. I don't think I will have regrets looking back on how I led this year, and I think I was really refined in my motives for doing things.

I am wrestling with the passage in Mark right now about having faith and praying for things, then expecting them to happen. It says if you are not holding grudges or need to forgive anyone, then God will listen to your prayers and grant your requests. So, where is the line with that, because people obviously do not always get what they want. I think I will just continue to pray expecting things to happen, then watch as God blows me away by how he answers them in completely different ways.

Its time for the Lost finale. really profound I know.

days

I got to speak at this cool thing last Friday. It went well, and people talked to me afterwards and thought I was legit. In my limited experience with those kind of things, my coolness lasts for about two days, then people sort of forget and move on. I can see how celebrities or whoever could get hooked on that popular feeling of always wanting to feel wanted. I am glad people arent still talking to me about it, it is the 99% of my life when I am not speaking in front of people that lets me earn the right to share in the first place.

Things are coming together for my summer trip I think. Just when i give up and think there is no way I can do everything and get all the money and paperwork in, it happens. Its like I have to have that moment of total surrender before anything really good gets done. One month and twelve minutes from today is the day I take the LSAT. I am very confident it is what I want to do, and what I am supposed to do, but also very aware that I could crash and burn horribly because then I would have no control and no plan, and that is usually when God does something cool.

I am getting to the point where I see cool character qualities of God in people, and it is very encouraging. You can make manifest the glory of God within you sometimes without knowing it. My staff had bingo night and we dressed up like old people this week, it was genuinely fun, and I felt like the happiness and comfort was a simple thing from HIm.

This is kind of a worthless blog entry, but whoever you are as you read this, know there is something bigger then yourself out there. And He loves you.

myanmar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iELcWN8LZcA&NR=1

Why does stuff like this always seem to happen "over there." and why is it so easy to feel detached? This is about the only time when I feel genuinely frustrated with politics. The government of Burma and Myanmar have such tight controls they are not even approving the visas to let the relief workers in right now to help. Over 100,000 predicted dead. And countries are sending "condolence messages." That sounds super helpful. Yet at the same time, what are they supposed to do if the govenments of the suffering nations wont even accept help for their own people? Or wont handle the help with integrity? Dumping bodies into rivers because there is no where else to put them, little kids guarding food supplies in temples, trying to ration it to make it last as more people drift in, saying they have lost everything.

I wish i could drop everything and fly over there right now. If I had the money, I would. But what could I do? Other people are already trying. I hope they can make a difference, and that the government will let them in. Praying is about all I can do. I wish that felt more satisfying at this moment.