Wednesday, January 7, 2009


My 12 year old cousin asked me recently if I felt like/considered myself a grown up. Without hesitation, I answered yes. Weird realization to come to. I asked my brother what he thought, and he kind of rolled his eyes and told me I have been grown up for years. I feel like that is true. But what does that mean, and what am I supposed to do next? I remember being ten and wishing I could go to Disneyworld, and soon, because I had this sinking feeling that I wouldn't want to go for that much longer. And its true. I grew up and I don't really want to go there anymore. So my childhood is gone. And I am a grown up now.

I don't fit here right anymore. Most of me wants to be here desperately, to just go back to the way things were, but I feel like I am denying the part of me that is most intrinsic to who I am becoming. This is not hard. I am not hurting over evil in the world here. i am comfortable. I can see myself easily having this life. And I would be happy. But I don't like it. A few months ago this guy Sean, in his wisdom, told me to "open up your flipping hands and take what you are given." I want to be on the front lines. And I most likely will be. Soon enough. But this is where I am now. And I can learn from being here, even if I am yearning for something else. I will go there. But not yet.

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