courage

I have been thinking about different definitions of courage lately.
Cowardice represses fear but is ultimately mastered by it while courage is a resolution to go forward despite difficult obstacles.
Courage is voluntarily making yourself vulnerable to things greater than yourself.
Courage is a subversive virtue
Courage is acknowledging fear but living through it
Bravery.

I like courage. I wish I had more. I think it is one of those things where you probably never feel like you have enough and in that scary moment, you decide whether or not to create some more in yourself. At church today the pastor was saying the particular church we were talking about in Revelation had compromised on so many things, but God still remembered their names, and that they were set apart for holiness as his beloved people. There is a lot of courage in messing up like that church did and still living in confidence that, no matter how much you mess up, you are called to be something greater than you are currently being. they are given a white stone which signified in that time healing, transformation, hope, and a new name. New names like Beloved. Holy. Brave. Replacing names like Marginalized. Forgotten. Broken. I like that. I think I need newer, bigger names for God. Or for myself, in the way He views me.

The hymn this morning said "Teach me the patience in unanswered prayer." There is courage in saying a line like that too. Its asking God to be silent, to say no to your requests, so you can learn to wait. Sounds pretty tedious. I hear Mother Teresa struggled a lot with feeling like God was silent. But she knew what she was supposed to do, and she did it. She acted. Over and over she helped so many different people.

And there was silence.

And she was still faithful.

Courage.

law?

"Evil cannot exist on its own. It can only manipulate the good."
Augustine

I have not decided if I agree or disagree yet. Also, my prof today said "Law is in the interest of the powerful." I don't think I like that. Or I think the powerful deliberately ignore the law, because it's not in their interest. What about all the corruption I saw the last couple months? Law was on the side of evil it seemed, but is it in the interest of the powerful to have law? I guess it depends on what kind. Because when people force people to enforce their own laws, the powerful are usually exposed for their corruption. A person in power that is given to the pursuit of honor and character would be a rare find. And a problem. Because they would disrupt the status quo of rulers corrupted by power and greed. According to Aristotle, people pursuing virtue are dangerous but necessary. I like that. I kind of want to be dangerous but necessary for my pursuit of virtue and honor and character.

"At one time I was so immersed in problems of church and society that my whole life had become a sort of drawn-out, wearisome discussion. Jesus had been pushed into the background; he had himself become just another problem...[Now] Jesus has stepped out in front again and asked me, 'And you, who do you say that I am?' It has become clearer to me than ever that my personal relationship with Jesus is the heart of my existence."
Henri Nouwen

That is my prayer today. Jesus, be at the heart of my existence.

grown

My 12 year old cousin asked me recently if I felt like/considered myself a grown up. Without hesitation, I answered yes. Weird realization to come to. I asked my brother what he thought, and he kind of rolled his eyes and told me I have been grown up for years. I feel like that is true. But what does that mean, and what am I supposed to do next? I remember being ten and wishing I could go to Disneyworld, and soon, because I had this sinking feeling that I wouldn't want to go for that much longer. And its true. I grew up and I don't really want to go there anymore. So my childhood is gone. And I am a grown up now.

I don't fit here right anymore. Most of me wants to be here desperately, to just go back to the way things were, but I feel like I am denying the part of me that is most intrinsic to who I am becoming. This is not hard. I am not hurting over evil in the world here. i am comfortable. I can see myself easily having this life. And I would be happy. But I don't like it. A few months ago this guy Sean, in his wisdom, told me to "open up your flipping hands and take what you are given." I want to be on the front lines. And I most likely will be. Soon enough. But this is where I am now. And I can learn from being here, even if I am yearning for something else. I will go there. But not yet.