courage

I have been thinking about different definitions of courage lately.
Cowardice represses fear but is ultimately mastered by it while courage is a resolution to go forward despite difficult obstacles.
Courage is voluntarily making yourself vulnerable to things greater than yourself.
Courage is a subversive virtue
Courage is acknowledging fear but living through it
Bravery.

I like courage. I wish I had more. I think it is one of those things where you probably never feel like you have enough and in that scary moment, you decide whether or not to create some more in yourself. At church today the pastor was saying the particular church we were talking about in Revelation had compromised on so many things, but God still remembered their names, and that they were set apart for holiness as his beloved people. There is a lot of courage in messing up like that church did and still living in confidence that, no matter how much you mess up, you are called to be something greater than you are currently being. they are given a white stone which signified in that time healing, transformation, hope, and a new name. New names like Beloved. Holy. Brave. Replacing names like Marginalized. Forgotten. Broken. I like that. I think I need newer, bigger names for God. Or for myself, in the way He views me.

The hymn this morning said "Teach me the patience in unanswered prayer." There is courage in saying a line like that too. Its asking God to be silent, to say no to your requests, so you can learn to wait. Sounds pretty tedious. I hear Mother Teresa struggled a lot with feeling like God was silent. But she knew what she was supposed to do, and she did it. She acted. Over and over she helped so many different people.

And there was silence.

And she was still faithful.

Courage.

law?

"Evil cannot exist on its own. It can only manipulate the good."
Augustine

I have not decided if I agree or disagree yet. Also, my prof today said "Law is in the interest of the powerful." I don't think I like that. Or I think the powerful deliberately ignore the law, because it's not in their interest. What about all the corruption I saw the last couple months? Law was on the side of evil it seemed, but is it in the interest of the powerful to have law? I guess it depends on what kind. Because when people force people to enforce their own laws, the powerful are usually exposed for their corruption. A person in power that is given to the pursuit of honor and character would be a rare find. And a problem. Because they would disrupt the status quo of rulers corrupted by power and greed. According to Aristotle, people pursuing virtue are dangerous but necessary. I like that. I kind of want to be dangerous but necessary for my pursuit of virtue and honor and character.

"At one time I was so immersed in problems of church and society that my whole life had become a sort of drawn-out, wearisome discussion. Jesus had been pushed into the background; he had himself become just another problem...[Now] Jesus has stepped out in front again and asked me, 'And you, who do you say that I am?' It has become clearer to me than ever that my personal relationship with Jesus is the heart of my existence."
Henri Nouwen

That is my prayer today. Jesus, be at the heart of my existence.

grown

My 12 year old cousin asked me recently if I felt like/considered myself a grown up. Without hesitation, I answered yes. Weird realization to come to. I asked my brother what he thought, and he kind of rolled his eyes and told me I have been grown up for years. I feel like that is true. But what does that mean, and what am I supposed to do next? I remember being ten and wishing I could go to Disneyworld, and soon, because I had this sinking feeling that I wouldn't want to go for that much longer. And its true. I grew up and I don't really want to go there anymore. So my childhood is gone. And I am a grown up now.

I don't fit here right anymore. Most of me wants to be here desperately, to just go back to the way things were, but I feel like I am denying the part of me that is most intrinsic to who I am becoming. This is not hard. I am not hurting over evil in the world here. i am comfortable. I can see myself easily having this life. And I would be happy. But I don't like it. A few months ago this guy Sean, in his wisdom, told me to "open up your flipping hands and take what you are given." I want to be on the front lines. And I most likely will be. Soon enough. But this is where I am now. And I can learn from being here, even if I am yearning for something else. I will go there. But not yet.

truth

"Truth strikes us from behind, and in the dark."
Henry David Thoreau

That seems true for me here. I think I know what I am doing walking forward, and the brokenness, the despair of God's beloved taps me on the shoulder and says "look at me. Im here. Be with me in this." I have discovered God in a whole new way: through darkness.

"Those who believe that they believe in God, but without any passion in their heart, any anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God-idea, not in God."
Miguel De Unamuno

Finding God in darkness, wrestling with Ultimate Truth in the midst of unimaginable evil, that is real. Being angry, feeling anguish, burning with passion for justice in the midst of incredible doubt, that is belief God understands. Apathy, deliberate ignorance, exclusion motivated by "faith", those are belief in the God-idea. God is not in that.

Thats what I think.

introvert

I have been an introvert this weekend. Definitely much more exhausting then being an extrovert. I dont know how people do it. Good to experience once in a while though.

Went to a gathering of important people on Friday night. I was a mess. All the walls are down for feeling things about people. This place has changed me. For the better. I can no longer hear a story and forget it, or not think about the people involved. I think its because the people telling the stories of injustice, or rescue and triumph, were actually there, and part of the solution. They know the people, and they are a part of their lives. I sit among some of the most brilliant minds in the business, and watch them become moved to tears by the stories of casework they were a part of. Not tears of triumph, or pride in their own abilities, but tears of overwhelming gratitude to God for doing everything. Complete humility. I said I wanted to be a sponge, well I am definitely soaking it up. These people have rocked my world. And for someone who thought she already knew it, that is quite a feat. I dont want to leave. There is comfort in being a part of the huge amount of action and good that this place churns out every day. Going off to what was before familiar and comfortable suddenly seems a difficult challenge that I do not want to face.

There is one thing I wish would have ended different. but I am going to be an introvert and leave it at that.

Goodnight.

humbled

Intimidating to be back after a very long hiatus. What do you say after spending two months on another continent living in poverty, then moving to a different coast and starting over with new people.

I am not as cool as I once thought I was. I have, somewhat unintentionally, currently surrounded myself by the smartest and most well-travelled people I have ever encountered. I feel very small and put in my place. Its hard because that is not the way it usually goes for me. I feel like I am shaping a whole new outlook on things, and learning what it is like to actively practice humility. I said that was what I wanted, but its hard. How do you know when a process like that has completed its course? Does it ever end (or get less painful)?

Relationships are different here as well. Different then ever before. People ask me different questions, treat me in a different way, and expect different answers. That is the best I can explain it, you will have to ask me in person. This is a pointless entry to everyone but me, and Im ok with that. At least Im back online again.

ending

Things that made me happy in the last two days:
-free oreo milkshakes
-fashion shows
-my girls' laughter
-playing baseball in the hallway
-akwardly falling down hills
-filming movies appreciating people you like
-my yellow car
-old Steven Curtis Chapman cd's
-changing my opinion
-intitiating new people for leadership positions
-finishing important applications
-cards that sing
-Mr Ly
-coming to the end of something and feeling satisfied